pfffft 21? i dont believe it.

just some thoughts before i turn the 21 and my whole life is changed.

ahahahjk

but seriously, some thoughts before my birthday..

- drink or not drink? it didn’t matter too much before, but as more people ask.. the more i question myself. it’s not even that big of a deal.

- on the ihop webcast they’re talking about healings they’re claiming for knees/ankles and stomachs (BOTH of which i have MAJOR issues with). my knee is tingling as we speak. COOL, maybe tomorrow on my birthday it’ll all be healed.

- i want more revelation of the father’s love.. i dont wont to grow any older without knowing what it means to be fully loved by the father

- “those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. he who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.” psalm 126:5-6.. me + praying = weeping. why? this is why.

- i love fruit, and FRUIT.

- it’s weird im not 18 anymore. (which was.. like three years ago)

- my knee is still tingling. PLEASE JESUS!!!!!

- i pray that at this age.. (just an excuse to use as a signifier) that i learn more of His will and purpose.. DTS options: Australia? South Africa? Hawaii? Canada? somewhere? Job? Missions? Non-profit? Office? Government? Teacher? who knows ……….. OH SNAP.. husband. blah.. i want to learn how to surrender these thingsssssss cause i can’t deal with it anymore.

- didn’t go through a crazy panic/anxiety thing for this birthday. may be i’ve come to terms with old age and the rising number of grey hairs. or not. or i have no energy to care. or i like it cause it means i’m moving on with life, learning to live and move and have my being in someone else, other than me.

- GOT FLOWERS IN THE MAIL FROM MY DEAR DEAR SISTER<3 she would do something like this. i love mail, i love flowers, i love HER! i got so giddy when it came, haven’t felt that in a while.. where your heart feels glad [maybe one of my love languages is gifts.. ahaha i always thought it was a bit selfish, molah]

- i wonder what promises he will have for me, cause i want more….. if i could get anything for my birthday, it’d be “more” ahaha MORE & FIRE. lollllllllllll<3

bye 20 year old jennifer, twas a good year but 21 year old jennifer will have a better one.

again

finding myself asking once again.. where can i draw near?

asking if i’m worthy

if situations can be redeemed..

is this what dependency tastes like?
cause it doesn’t taste nice at all

wandering thoughts

- having serious anxiety these days because of these papers and exams..the kind where my bowels are not cooperating, my hands get sweaty and i just want to sleep all the time

- never heard this before but a guy at a prayer meeting was walking through something with a brother.. he said “God is a gentleman, he’d never force you to do anything” gosh i thought that was SOO darling. it made me chuckle.

- this shattered me.. i didn’t realize this until like couple of minutes ago. we can’t save the fellowship.. we cant do things differently.. and expect that great change is going to come. i dont know why it wasnt real to me before.. but for some reason when i thought about serving next year, i’d always think that if the RIGHT kind of people were there.. you know.. like christians.. (haha -_- bad joke..).. it’s jesus. he’s gonna do it.

- really excited about onething.. i’m ready to be FED and embraced with a massive amount of people who just want to LOVE LOVE LOVE jesus

- NOT excited about the 90238492034 hour drive ………………

- im still in awe of the power and authority of jesus. encountering him in the small dorm room with 15 people, seeking the beauty of the throne.. together.. seeing Him answer prayers, seeing gifts empowering, being embraced by a King, deliverance, repentance, sovereignty, love.. because we asked. simply.. because we asked

- not leaving blacksburg until the 23rd ish. looking forward to being bored out of my mind here.. but at least with peace and quiet.

- what is inheritance?

- i dislike very much so, selling books back. makes me angry at the publishing companies, the school, and the consumeristic society that drives all those nasty things to take place. but i’m going to stop cause that would have been a LONG LONG rant

- UGLY BETTY AND GLEE HAVE BEEN SO GOOD THESE DAYS

- Monk is finally over it was a good run..

- slowly getting over the fear of meeting new people

- i’ve never been this encouraged by a professor before.. his extending hand to help and his open mindedness of other ideas.. its really refreshing to see

- JOY is good.

- i’m hungry

ohkay. bye worthless blog post.. hahah

sweet moments

near the bus stop, where God’s compassion is tangible

in the middle of D2, where God’s love falls heavily on my heart, penetrating deep deep

on the fone with my sister, where God’s redeeming power is in the works HALLELUJAH !

gosh wish there was someone i could share in my joy. but all i have is my 14 pages of study guide and three papers to keep me company.

bye procrastination.

ugly

i looked at it today.. and it was really ugly

maybe it was the weather, maybe i was looking through a dirty window..

but

my heart felt ugly today

but thanks paul and maria. you dont have wordpress.. nor will probably read this but you are appreciated.

ahhh

i had another wave of panic. so this morning.. i’m going to CLAIM it

I WILL GO.  I WILL GO. God willing………….?

i’m not ready!

will i REALLY go to the ends of the earth ??

this sudden rush of panic just engulfed me because i say im going to do crazy things for jesus

but.. i got really scared because what if that’s REALLY true? hahaha gosh i’m sucha chicken, but what that might entail? what if i can’t have a family of my own? what if i cant buy the things i want? dont live in house i imagine? cant use my hair straightener if i’m out somewhere where there’s no electricity? (humidity is not my friend) i know these are simple luxuries but they’re a lot to give up when you’ve had/done/dreamt of these “things” for a long time.. you know?

it was even hard giving up facebook, even seeing others NEEDING to go on just to check what’s new with peoples lives, to disconnect themselves/myself to something that can be detrimental, but then to say youre going to live your life to jesus means you MAY need to, to actually DO IT.

 

MY LIFE?

submission+obdedience = SURRENDER?

gahhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Comforter with a capital C

This is a name that has been whispered into my ear time and time again.. but the deceiver has been doing his job persistently though.. planting ugly thoughts as i walk across the drillfield alone, as i sit in class alone, as i eat alone, as i spend time in my room alone.

community is good, yes. but intimacy is better… it’s the place behind the veil. takes away the griminess of the world but gives abundantly, graciously, lovingly his heavenly things.

even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me.

 

i am not alone. i have him and he has me…

wtff, rampage

i keep asking myself.. where can i draw near?

i have so many awesome tidbits of His nature and character i’ve been learning. but its like nothing to me. if it was a month ago.. i think i would have been amazed. but now i sit and i ask.. “so what?”

i listen to this grrrreat songs. i am surely blessed.. but SO WHAT.

WHERE CAN I DRAW NEAR WHERE CAN I DRAW NEAR.

these feelings, these “ah ha” moments, these subtle moments .. its not enough for me.

i’m bored

anxious

weary

very tired

restless

i’m unsatisfied

THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS

this is gay.

to appease my friends.. hahaha jk

1. Where is your cell phone? in my bag on my bed

2. Your hair? needs to grow faster, thinking about cutting bangs

3. Your mother? i want to know them better

4. Your father? weary

5. Your favorite food? watermelon

6. Your dream last night? .. ugh, had a dream that my tongue was split into two, like a snakes..

7. Your favorite drink? ginger ale

8. Your dream/goal? to invent something

9. What room are you in? bedroom

10. Your hobby? watching tv

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? do crazy things for Jesus

13. Where were you last night? home

14. Something that you aren’t? humbled

15. Muffins? banananananut

16. Wish list item? many things……..

17. Where did you grow up? springfield, burke, alexandria, etc…..

18. Last thing you did? showered

19. What are you wearing? hs gym shorts, and senior t-shirt

20. Your TV? THE HILLS

21. Your pets? mimi..

22. Friends? somewhere

23. Your life? i dont even know

24. Your mood? desperate

25. Missing someone? not really..?

26. Vehicle? old.

27. Something you’re not wearing? socks

28. Your favorite store? h&m

29. Your favorite color? greeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

30. When was the last time you laughed? a second ago

31. Last time you cried? an hour ago.. ahaha

32. Your best friend? idk….. i never know where she is

33. One place that I go to over and over? the past

34. One person who emails me regularly? my group project members. boo

35. Favorite place to eat? grandma’s.

hahaa i’m boring. and procrastinating