i had another wave of panic. so this morning.. i’m going to CLAIM it
I WILL GO. I WILL GO. God willing………….?
will i REALLY go to the ends of the earth ??
this sudden rush of panic just engulfed me because i say im going to do crazy things for jesus
but.. i got really scared because what if that’s REALLY true? hahaha gosh i’m sucha chicken, but what that might entail? what if i can’t have a family of my own? what if i cant buy the things i want? dont live in house i imagine? cant use my hair straightener if i’m out somewhere where there’s no electricity? (humidity is not my friend) i know these are simple luxuries but they’re a lot to give up when you’ve had/done/dreamt of these “things” for a long time.. you know?
it was even hard giving up facebook, even seeing others NEEDING to go on just to check what’s new with peoples lives, to disconnect themselves/myself to something that can be detrimental, but then to say youre going to live your life to jesus means you MAY need to, to actually DO IT.
MY LIFE?
submission+obdedience = SURRENDER?
gahhhhhhhhhhhh!!
This is a name that has been whispered into my ear time and time again.. but the deceiver has been doing his job persistently though.. planting ugly thoughts as i walk across the drillfield alone, as i sit in class alone, as i eat alone, as i spend time in my room alone.
community is good, yes. but intimacy is better… it’s the place behind the veil. takes away the griminess of the world but gives abundantly, graciously, lovingly his heavenly things.
even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for you are with me.
i am not alone. i have him and he has me…
i keep asking myself.. where can i draw near?
i have so many awesome tidbits of His nature and character i’ve been learning. but its like nothing to me. if it was a month ago.. i think i would have been amazed. but now i sit and i ask.. “so what?”
i listen to this grrrreat songs. i am surely blessed.. but SO WHAT.
WHERE CAN I DRAW NEAR WHERE CAN I DRAW NEAR.
these feelings, these “ah ha” moments, these subtle moments .. its not enough for me.
i’m bored
anxious
weary
very tired
restless
i’m unsatisfied
THERE HAS TO BE MORE THAN THIS
to appease my friends.. hahaha jk
1. Where is your cell phone? in my bag on my bed
2. Your hair? needs to grow faster, thinking about cutting bangs
3. Your mother? i want to know them better
4. Your father? weary
5. Your favorite food? watermelon
6. Your dream last night? .. ugh, had a dream that my tongue was split into two, like a snakes..
7. Your favorite drink? ginger ale
8. Your dream/goal? to invent something
9. What room are you in? bedroom
10. Your hobby? watching tv
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? do crazy things for Jesus
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? humbled
15. Muffins? banananananut
16. Wish list item? many things……..
17. Where did you grow up? springfield, burke, alexandria, etc…..
18. Last thing you did? showered
19. What are you wearing? hs gym shorts, and senior t-shirt
20. Your TV? THE HILLS
21. Your pets? mimi..
22. Friends? somewhere
23. Your life? i dont even know
24. Your mood? desperate
25. Missing someone? not really..?
26. Vehicle? old.
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? h&m
29. Your favorite color? greeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!
30. When was the last time you laughed? a second ago
31. Last time you cried? an hour ago.. ahaha
32. Your best friend? idk….. i never know where she is
33. One place that I go to over and over? the past
34. One person who emails me regularly? my group project members. boo
35. Favorite place to eat? grandma’s.
hahaa i’m boring. and procrastinating
i have an exam today and i am no where prepared for it. i woke up earlier than my alarm went off. i even have a cancelled class this morning. but you know what i’m doing? i’m watching youtube videos of Chris Quilala from Jesus Culture. I am fawning over him like no other.. along with marty sampson, and.. a few others.
so what is it about worship leaders that melts me. i would have to say for the most vain reasons.
1. they can play instruments that i probably would not be ever to prefect
2. they can sing
3. they’re usually kind of cute
4. if not (refer to 3) holiness covers their physicality (haha)
5. they do with purpose & passion, hopefully
6. they love love jesus, hopefully..
currently spinnin “I Exalt Thee” (the guy on base or electric guitar is playing it with a volin/cello/whatever bow) WHO DOES THAT?
myheartisinajumble.
here i am.. again in a public place. williams to be exact.. trying to just study. breath. live.
and i get struck with humbleness. but in the most tender place in my soul? heart? whatever, somewhere inside.
so i come to study for one of my many exams. but i start looking through facebook instead. i do some of that stalking stuff i do… and jealousy arises. maybe i should make my self more know, i should put myself out there so people will see i am available, so people will know who i am.. the struggles and triumphs, my “bubbly” personality. HAHA. (i dont believe this yet, but i’m starting to..) -> glory. fame. MY name. i want to be known, i want to be liked. but why. i don’t know. [this is probably the most honest i've been in a while]
psalm 73: 23-26
i’m not snuggling up in my shell, i’m trying to crawl into his presense, ever so desperately. so i can be less of me and gain more of him
just me and him……..
what am i doing…………..? ahaha
i mean.. who needs a degree these days.. ..
instead of studying.. i’m here contemplating my academic suicide.
…..
work monday tuesday thursday friday, full week of classes (no more political science conferences 
exam tuesday thursday friday, next week tuesday wednesday friday quizzes every friday assignments readings everyday
i guess i wont be eating or sleeping for the next two weeks.. and i feel a whole lotta tears coming my way.
but you know what? God is still good. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHALOLOLOLOLAHAHAHAHA.
yeah.
btw wordpress world these are my favs.
psalm 34
psalm 73
isaiah 55
for now. maybe forever. who knows.
i am redeemed.
i am redeemed.
i am redeemed.
it just hit me like a ton of bricks..
in your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. in your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling
exodus 15:13
bring me to the holy dwelling.
i am redeemed.
but lead me in the desert
i am redeemed…
im at empo and crying.. (it fits though.. cause empo sucks) but.. what do i do with myself. i need to study
but i cant forget
i am redeemed.
praise the lord..
i am redeemed..
running on the fuel of my own strength
– psalms 142
where can i draw near?
